CT

So tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for 3 months. I have put it as far back in my mind as possible, tried to ignore it, and pretended it would never come. Yet it is here. CT scan day. I will not tell you that I am not afraid, because I am. Anytime you have had a doctor say you have cancer it is not something you ever want to re-live. Any hint that it could happen again makes you break out in a cold sweat. The idea that the doctor saw something he didn’t like makes the anxiety higher. There is a knot in the pit of my stomach and I find myself quieter than usual. In my head I am logically going through the self-talk that says everything is fine. I feel great. I am still losing weight. I exercise everyday and eat healthy. All of these things are supposed to prevent cancer…so I should be good. That is my thought process, my emotions however, are warring with my mind. The fear tries to rise up and overtake me, if not for the unknown spot on my liver certainly for the procedure itself. The last CT scan hurt. The number of attempts to put in the IV resulted in a needle only half way in, and as much dye going into my wrist as in my vein. I have to tell you, I have gotten used to not having much in the way of medical tests lately. For the past year or two, they have slowly let my leash out, spacing my tests further and further apart. After a couple of years of being a pincushion, it has been a welcome respite. However, now the old fear, the one that comes with knowing what the possibilities are, sets itself in my gut. I push it down, saying to myself “Do not borrow trouble.” Most of the time I can release it, after all cancer taught me to live one day at a time and to treasure every moment. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, that is the reality of being human.
It is a good thing that I am not only human…I am inhabited by the Prince of Peace. He resides inside of my body, within my spirit and the depth of my heart. Therefore, no matter what I feel or fear, he is with me. No matter what the result of the test, he will never leave me or forsake me. This is the true reality. This is what I choose to focus on tonight and tomorrow. Even as I drink a ton of water trying to give my veins some help at plumping up, I know the blood of my Savior covers me. As I await the results, he will soothe my nerves and speak quietly to my heart. I know him. I trust him. I wait on him. Your prayers are coveted and appreciated.

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