Ihit the wall yesterday. Peoplehave been asking how I am holding up since the fire happened. Until yesterday, I was holding thingstogether for the most part. A fewtears here and there, but mostly just trying to move forward one step at a time. Yesterday, moving day, I was excited tobe getting into a place we could settle. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my space is very important to me. Even at school my office has to be justso…not neat, but arranged in a way that helps me be productive. I like routine, and while I can gowithout it I go back to it whenever possible.
When we went to sign our rentalcontract there were some things that were not what we had originally agreedupon. Before we could sign weneeded approval from our insurance agent. Well for me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The water works started right there inthe meeting with our landlords. Bless them. They had noidea what was happening as I completely lost it right there in front of them. I tried going in the bathroom, but Icould not stop the tears. Now wehave had enough traumas in our lives for me to recognize grief when ithits. I also know that to stuff itdown is very unhealthy. I neededto get away so I just walked out with tears streaming down my face. I got in Hannah’s car and drove away,embarrassing the heck out of my family and the landlords. I went to my own house…my safeplace…and wailed for a long time.
I think that it comes down towanting a place for my family to be able to be together and rest. I see school starting up ahead and Ijust want to be settled. It islike a mother hen and her nest. Asmuch as I appreciate Bill’s mom and dad allowing us to share their home, whenschool starts we need to be closer to all our activities. I still have to do the inventory on ourlosses, the first one I spent days making was done incorrectly. There is just so much from so manydirections and once school begins I will be up to my neck in RTI again! The idea that I will be opening theschool year while looking for a place to live, working on fire losses,rebuilding a house, and moving my first child to college is overwhelming to me. It gives me a sense ofdesperation.
Yesterday I had to grieve. I had to purge the pain of loosing myhome as it was. There are probablymore tears…they feel close to the surface now that I have let them flow. The feeling that I am not doing allthat I need to be doing, or that I am doing things wrong, or that I will neverget it all done just makes me that much more sensitive to the stress around me.I feel as fragile as an eggshell. I know that all of this is my own expectationof myself. But this is what I amtalking about when I say I like my space and routine. It gives me a sense of order in the midst of chaos. Imagine being plucked from your restfulsummer and thrown into a complete disaster of moving twice in one week. It is a nightmare that is flowing assmoothly as can be expected in such a situation. Yesterday was snag.
To finish the story, we did notmove. We do not think theinsurance company will agree to the terms in the contract, but will not knowfor sure until Monday. In themeantime, we spent the rest of the day trying to find a place to rent. Octoberfest is right around the cornerso we have been unsuccessful so far. There is a possible house we are going to look at today. Going from having a nice little placeback into the hunt was difficult for me because it felt like we are movingbackwards. All of my prayerbuddies out there please pray that we find something soon that will meet theneeds of our family. (Also please pardon any spacing issues on this blog, somehow on the computer I am using it messesup in the transfer from word document to blog text.)