Familiar Foe

That old foe fear is back.  I guess it goes with surgery and medical things.  I am remembering waking up from my last surgery.  It was scary because I was awake in my head but my body was totally asleep.  It was like being trapped inside myself.  I know that is probably normal but at the time panic would rise because no one could tell that I was awake.  I determined that I will always talk to people in comas because of this experience.  I don’t want to do this surgery…but I have to.  I know it is not as major but irrational fear doesn’t care about that.  I am probably most worried about the IV.  Last week they tried to get blood from me and I still have a bruse.  That vein is no good for tomorrow…so that is one less chance they have to find a place for the IV.  And I guess that deep inside if I really look at it, I am secretly worried that he will find something bad.  I think last years surgery and the fact that it was supposed to be one thing and it turned out to be much more has me anxious.  I know, I know…be anxious for nothing but enter everything with prayer and supplication.  I am trying…I really am.  That is a hard scripture to live out!

I keep thinking that tomorrow night at this time I will be through!  My bladder will be fixed and my port will be out!  July 7th is my one year anniversary of my diagnosis.  Can you believe it has been one year?!  In one way it seems soooo much longer than that…in another way it seems like it all happened so fast.  I choose to focus on the positive not the fear.  I will be fine and all will go well tomorrow, I keep professing that over myself.  But if you feel like praying I’d be grateful!

One side note…Aaron got his drivers license today!  That is a whole different kind of fear altogether!

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