I hate to say it but I went for my pre-op and found myself struggling with resentment. I hate the fact that I have come back from this amazing trip to Alaska into a medical situation with my body. It is funny how quickly we go back to thinking that this life is our own. I did not like being back at a doctors office, or a hospital where I had to wait for someone to stick me with a needle. I want to be finished, and today I realized that I am not. I had to hear all the stuff about surgery next week. The realization that I will have to be put to sleep and be on pain medicine again became clear. I know that this surgery is minor compared to what I have been through, but I found myself angry that I have to do it at all.
It took a concentrated effort on my part to get back to the go with the flow, flexible state I had to live in during treatment. Once I got over the imposition of having to wait, I was happy to see that I could go back to that state easily. My resentment was short lived as I began to see that my life is still not mine to control. It was a refresher course to see how much I have retained of what I have learned. I pray that I will allow God to again do the work he has for me and that I will respond with peace, resting in his hands.