I hate to say it but I went for my pre-op and found myself struggling with resentment.  I hate the fact that I have come back from this amazing trip to Alaska into a medical situation with my body.  It is funny how quickly we go back to thinking that this life is our own.  I did not like being back at a doctors office, or a hospital where I had to wait for someone to stick me with a needle.  I want to be finished, and today I realized that I am not.  I had to hear all the stuff about surgery next week.  The realization that I will have to be put to sleep and be on pain medicine again became clear.  I know that this surgery is minor compared to what I have been through, but I found myself angry that I have to do it at all. 

     It took a concentrated effort on my part to get back to the go with the flow, flexible state I had to live in during treatment. Once I got over the imposition of having to wait, I was happy to see that I could go back to that state easily.  My resentment was short lived as I began to see that my life is still not mine to control.  It was a refresher course to see how much I have retained of what I have learned.  I pray that I will allow God to again do the work he has for me and that I will respond with peace, resting in his hands.


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