Melt Down

Today I had a meltdown.  I am tired of people hurting me and I just couldn’t do it anymore.  The nurse was great.  She worked slow and easy waiting anytime I needed it.  But I just am tired of it all.  I don’t want to have cancer anymore.  I don’t want to have anymore operations.  I don’t want to have my guts pulled out again on Monday.  My emotional state went out of control.  I guess I have known that things were out of control since the beginning of this journey but today my emotions caught up with that in a huge way.  I couldn’t stop the wailing or the tears. 

 My husband is my hero.  He was a trooper to a babbling wife with tears streaming and no end in sight…he just held me.  It was so much like what God does in these moments that I was amazed.  We all know that Bill is funny and has a whacky sense of humor.  He is talented with music like nobody I know, but today I remembered the main reason I love him so much.  This sensitive side of him that most people don’t get to see is right what I need when I need it.  Most men I know would run from these kind of tears…or maybe call  their wife a woman friend to talk to.  Bill knew what I needed.  He knew there weren’t words to fix it.  He knows me, like nobody else…at the deepest place. There is a powerful bond between us. I needed that kind of unconditional love today and he was there for me.  Only God knows me better. I am grateful for my husband! 

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2 thoughts on “Melt Down

  1. Bless your heart, and you even rallied to write! It’s all too much at certain moments, huh? More than you can bare? Pain and torture, from people trying to help. Hang in there girl, I came to read your words, they broke my heart for a moment. Thank you for sharing it as it was. You are my hero! You are awesome. Bill is exactly what you need. Hang in there friend…

  2. Michelle, I am so sorry for your hurt and your struggle. I came home today from out of town to get caught up on your writing and I have to tell you that you are such a sweet spirited and loving person and that no matter what tears and anger and fear you encounter it cannot and does not change the parts of you that Christ has already brought through the fire. You and Bill have been through so much already and you are Bill’s hero too. What a mutual heavenly gift to be able to let your husband into that intimate space and minister to you in a silent upholding support. You too often have given, so much to Bill and to others without saying a word or making it seen just by using the gifting that operates from your spirit. Much love and prayer is with you.

    KJordan

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